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Friday, August 24, 2012


Punchlines are the payoff to jokes.  In fact, imagine a rimshot after every punchline.  However, sometimes with punchlines you don’t need the actual set-up; just using the punchline is enough.  With that philosophy in mind, here’s a whole mess of 'em that you can use at your next party or gathering.  Watch it, though; it’s very obvious with some of these just what the set-up is.   THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF STUPID is proud to help ya out here. 

“Africa”, said the parrot.
10 seconds earlier and it would have cut off my head.
50 pounds and a black dress.
500 Italian sharpshooters.
A bisexual built for 2.
A black eye, a fat lip and a job.
A car thief who can’t drive.
A circumcision by a cross-eyed doctor.
A computer that never goes down.
A Dairy Queen.
A dicktater.
A dozen if you slice ‘em thin enough.
A dry Martinez.
A frog in a blender.
A funeral with only one set of jumper cables.
A glass of water with a booger in it.
A group of people with keys to the same abandoned building.
A kid who spray-paints his name on chain-link fences.
A licker license.
A lover stops to eat.
A nun with a spear through her head.
A piƱata party.
A Polish Officer never accepts money.
A Polish sperm bank.
A pushy Pilgrim.
A retarded gorilla.
A superintendent who thinks he owns the building.
A tire doesn’t sing when you put the chains on. 
A toilet doesn’t follow you around months after you use it.
A womb with a view.
After five years, the job still sucks.
An Italian suppository.
And it’s all yours if you keep your trap shut.
And it’s deep, too!
And so the next thing I know I’m on some guy’s mustache.
And to think that they sent me to the doctor for sucking my thumb!
April Fool!
Aren’t you sorry you had me neutered?
As soon as they learn to drive them, they’re going to invade Russia.
Assault and battery.
Baby, you think that’ll keep till Sunday?
Bean dip.
Because air is free.
Because he had the most parents at the meeting.
Because she went out with Mr. Softee.
Because sheep can’t cook.
Because they always wait for the swelling to go down.
Because they needed two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Because they’re handy for cashing bad checks.
Because Webster didn’t know shit from shinola.
Because you can’t jump out of a basement window.
Because you can’t teach an electric vibrator to mow the lawn.
Because you can’t write prescriptions with spray paint.
Beef Stroganoff.
Between the two of them I make a living.
Bozo the Clone.
Brace yourself, pal.
Bunny farts.
But I damn sure have exclusive drilling rights.
By firing the maid.
By the dandruff on her shoes.
By the dirt on her knees.
By the ears.
By the stiff upper lip.
Chasing cockroaches in a vacant lot.
Chief Running Sore.
Clitty Litter. 
Could you slip him under the door?
Count the windows and multiply by 40.
Dating a Canadian.
Do you think the girls are having as much fun as we are?
Don’t laugh – you’re next!
Don’t worry, Doc, in two more days she’ll be dead.
Drying the dishes.
Easy for you, you live at the beach.
For drinking on the job.
Formal bowling shirts
Fred Astaire’s face.
Free ham.
From sneaking into pay toilets.
From ugly sheep.
Get off my back!
Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Got me, but it sure can pick lettuce.
Great!  Let’s have lunch!
Guess who I had lunch with today?
Half an hour of begging.
He breaks his nose.
He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
He can’t come when I call.
He could read lips.
He didn’t know where to buy Left Guard.
He didn’t want the kids to grow up too lazy to steal.
He had it bronzed.
He had to get a coathanger to get them out.
He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand.
He only comes once a year and it’s down a chimney.
He raised the IQ of both countries.
He said he knows Mother.
He sold them as donut seeds.
He’d have a better chance if you hadn’t gutted him first.
He’s at the door taking tickets.
He’s deaf, too.
Head and smolders.
His first communion, when he gets married and before his electrocution.
His hand rejected it.
His head caves in.
Hop in!
How are things in Beirut?
How do you breathe through that thing?
How much do I owe you?
I bit her on the tit, she farted and flew out the window. 
I can’t talk now – I’ve got a frog in my throat.
I do, but they’re so cute when they’re young.
I don’t know, but it’s eating my popcorn.
I don’t know, but whatever it is it won’t let you in its cage.
I don’t think I could keep my mouth open for 15 minutes.
I gotta find out where his head is so that I can kick his ass.
I guess a blow job is out of the question, huh?
I guess my nails are dry now.
I have bad news: your wife is cheating on us.
I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?
I tried that, but the next night he came to be with some lettuce and olive oil.
I want her back because I’m thirsty again.
I’d love to, lady, but I’ve got to finish painting this wall first.
I’ll do more than that – I’ll give you free meals and one-half interest in the store.
I’ll just eat it right here.
I’ll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y.
I’m not, but my girlfriend’s husband is.
Iceberg, Goldberg, they’re all the same to me.
If her ankles swell up when she farts.
If I can pay in installments, I’m definitely interested.
If only I could remember where it landed.
If she sits on your face and you can’t hear the stereo.
If that sheep says anything about it me, it’s a damn lie.
If you beat your fish, it dies.
Is it in yet?
It better have numbers on it!
It doesn’t get rid of the crabs, but it makes ‘em easier to see in the dark.
It gnawed off three feet before it got free.
It hurts too much when they boil the nipples.
It looked so good that I couldn’t help eating it myself.
It opens on impact. 
It took him three hours to get his family out.
It was great, but look what it did to my clam digger.
It was the first time in six months that my teeth didn’t hurt.
It’s going to be hot out there and I want to be able to roll down the window.
Janitor in a Drum.
Jell-O shakes when you eat it.
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Karate is a method of self-defense and judo is what bagels are made of.
Keep the garbage cans out back. 
Keep the tip.
Kermit’s finger.
Kermit’s undivided attention.
Leave only 1 quart of milk – Morris won’t be here for breakfast tomorrow.
Let one in, and he’ll keep the rest out.
Look what I almost stepped in!
Lord Mountbatten’s tennis shoes.
Make it 4 – I’ll never be able to eat 8.
Maybe we’re not throwing the dogs high enough!
Mother Frockers.
Murray, I have to, but YOU?
My carpets do not stink.  I stink!
No thanks.  Just looking.
No!  How did you get their legs apart?
No!  Not another hat!
No, but his face rings a bell.
No, thank you, but I’d love some of your TWA tea!
Nobody eats parsley.
Not being able to reach The New Yorker from bed.
Not yet, but he’s getting a glassy look in his eyes.
Occidents will happen.
Oh, and please be sure that she has big tits.
Oh, in that case I’ll stay.
Oh, no!  Some asshole’s got my pen!
Oh, so THAT’S where the draft is coming from!
Oil of Ole!
Ok, but we’re almost out of arrows.
One, if you hit ‘em right.
Only eight of the oysters worked.
Ooh, you look 10 years younger.
Pearls with corduroy?  Are you mad?
Peter Panski.
Professional courtesy.
Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot.
Second grade.
See, I told you he was stupid.
Seizure salad.
She doesn’t like it during mealtimes.
She’s only wearing 1 sock.
She’s the one kissing the golden retriever.
Shhh!  They’re about to land.
Shhh, they’re about to land!
Shoot the dog!  Shoot the dog!
Slow natives.
Smash the toilet seat down on his head while he’s getting a drink.
Snow White’s cherry.
So deaf people could enjoy them too.
So he drove her to New Jersey.
So men will talk to them.
So she could get male in her box.
So that he if can’t come, he can call.
So that they can look like their mothers.
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
So the genie turned him into a tampon.
So they can be driven with handcuffs.
So they can wash their silverware before they steal it.
So they know which end to wipe.
So they would have four clean walls to write on.
So they’d have something to pick in the off season.
So they’ll have somewhere to park their bicycles.
So you can floss after you eat.
Somebody dropped a quarter.
Someone who gets out of the shower to pee.
Someone who likes girls more than money.
Someone who sucks credit cards.
Someone who’ll suck your laundry.
Sometimes garbage gets picked up.
Sometimes the bull wins.
Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.
Spell “Chrysanthemum”.
Spits out the feathers.
Stand back!  I don’t how big this thing will get!
Stop using my ass for a scoreboard.
Swiss shit.
Syracuse isn’t such a big town.
Tartar sauce.
Tell the truth!  Tell a lie!  Tell the truth!  Tell a lie!
That will be an extra 10 dollars.
That’s for knowing the difference.
The balls are lighter and you don’t have to change your shoes.
The beans fall through the grill.
The duck wins.
The fellow in the next bed over would like to buy your boots.
The garbage has been eaten and your dog is pregnant.
The hole was smaller and the smell was better.
The one in the middle looked like Willie Nelson.
The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
The Supreme Court.
Their husbands like coming into money.
There’s a nickel on the bedstand and your mattress is missing.
They all meet at work.
They always eat what they shoot.
They become Mummies.
They both shower after three periods.
They can’t fit the little bottles in the typewriter.
They get too tired carrying the decoys.
They lost the recipe.
They slide off.
They went to see “Closed For The Winter” at the drive-in theater.
They were trying to jump-start the furnace.
They’re afraid they’ll interfere with their unemployment benefits.
They’re both meat substitutes.
They’re handpicked.
They’re not going to let us come back to Howard Johnson’s restaurant anymore.
They’re the ones not sharing the food.
They’re the ones standing in a circle.
This just isn’t your day, boy.
This time you hold down the pigeon and I’ll shit on its head.
Three: one to do it, one to watch and one to shoot the witness.
Throw it on the floor and tampon it.
To get to the middle.
To hide the No-Pest Strips.
To impress Jodie Foster.
To keep the Cheerleaders from grazing.
To separate the meat from the fish.
To stamp out flaming ducks.
Toys for Twats.
Turn the stool upside down.
Two cannibals having oral sex.
Two in the front seat, two in the backseat and Richard Pryor in the ashtray.
Two: one to ask where and one to ask why.
Two: one to call Daddy and one to get out the Diet Pepsi.
Two: they are only two handles on a garbage can.
Up here on the piano with me!
Vinegar and water, thanks.
Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
We could have saved the Bentley.
We just want to use him for third base!
Wednesday means that it’s your turn in the barrel.
Well, before we had his nose fixed he used to be an alligator.
Well, can we come in and watch him rot?
Well, I didn’t think I’d be playing in a Cathedral.
Well, one of the girls is a cannibal.
Well, would you mind putting it back in the mud?
What if we don’t get the same boat?
What position does she play?
What?  And leave show business?
What’s new about that?  I married one.
Where’s his wheelchair?
Why?  Don’t you have a vase?
Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage.
Wow, they woke the wrong guy!
Ya know, that’s what the last guy said.
Yes, I know, we’re going to bury her today.
You bring in a toaster and they give you ten thousand dollars.
You can get a drink out of a coconut.
You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.
You DO want the leftovers, don’t you?
You don’t know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will stay.
You expect more from Standard – and you get it.
You moved.
You rub it for a little bit and it turns into a briefcase.
You said it fine, but this is a hardware store.
You see?  I knew I’d get a hot meal if I wanted around long enough.
You should force yourself.
You should see how she warms the hot dogs!
You’d better tickle mine, too, because now I’ve got to catch that camel.
You’d poke your eye out if it were straight.
You’d swerve to avoid a pothole.
You’re letting in too much light.
You’ve got to draw the line somewhere.
Your face or mine?
Your vagina is in the sink.


All for now.  Got any you'd like to share?